Funny Grandparent Stuff

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.....


2.. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3.. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4.. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


5.. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.




6.. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."




7.. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct.. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"


8.. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."


9.. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."


12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."




13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

OK Here's What Happened

Wednesday night after taking someone home from scripture study, I was involved in an automobile accident. I had noticed on the way into the development that some crossroads had stop signs and about every other one did not. So as I was going back out, I was very carefully stopping where I had stop signs and watching for cars at the intersections that did not.
My last memory before the collision is of seeing the last stop sign before the main road where I would turn left. I have NO DOUBT that I stopped, looked both ways, and proceeded carefully into the intersection. However, my next memory is of my car stopping forward motion, a very cold breeze coming in through where there was no longer a driver side window, a major pain in my head and realizing that I had been hit. I turned off the key and picked a piece of glass out of the edge of the door. Some people came up and asked me if I was OK and told me that someone was calling 911. There was a big pointed lump on the back of my head and my glasses were missing. My door would not come open and I just decided to sit still for a while.
I didn't have the cell phone but someone offered me theirs but since I couldn't see, they dialed for me. Lynn wasn't home yet from his bishopric meeting and I didn't know any other phone numbers.
Shortly, someone came bringing me my glasses which had been found in the street by the other driver. He picked them up thinking they were his, then found his in his pocket(He evidently hadn't been wearing them) He came by to check out if I were OK and say how sorry he was.
In a very short time there was a fire engine, several police cars and an ambulance all with lights flashing.
I managed to get up over the console and get out the passenger door. By then, the firemen wanted to check me out and the police were asking questions. I couldn't count the number of times I was asked what day it was, my name, address, and phone # and who is the president. After a while, I just told them, it was some dummy.

At first I refused to go to the hospital because I just had a bump on my head.
I asked the police to try to get in touch with Deputy Rector either through the sheriff's office or at home.

The other driver went off in the ambulance but they called another and the policeman that seemed to be in charge said that if I didn't go voluntarily, he would take it out of my hands and order it. (Can they do that?)
They had finally reached Nathan and told him to meet us at the ER. Actually, we were just a short distance from his house and he showed up at the scene when I was in the ambulance.

The step up into the ambulance is WAY high. I'm glad I wasn't hurt any more than I was; I could never have gotten up those steps. They strapped me onto the gurney with 2-3 straps and put me on oxygen (totally unneeded). I don't know who makes the ambulances they use here but I would like to give them a hint.....SUSPENSION. All the streets we would have used are very nicely paved but I felt like I was riding in a jeep going cross country.
They wanted to take my blood sugar and when I said that the ER would just do it again, they said "But they will ask us why we didn't do it" So I let them. (NOTE TO SELF- if it ever happens again just say, "tell them I refused".)

Lynn and Nathan were at the ER and they went with me through to "Fast Track" so that I could be seen quicker. Nathan knew the doctor; he'd gone to school with him. Can we say Doogie Howser? He poked and prodded but surprisingly didn't check my eyes for pupil dilation. Hello, I had a head injury. The pointed bump on the back of my head had receded and was just a rounded lump now. The headache was gone and at first I didn't have any pain anywhere. As I was leaving the hospital though, I began to notice pains in my ribs and right leg. The instructions were to take Tylenol for pain. Did that; later Aleve; later still ibuprofen (drug of choice for muscle pain).

So I get home and tucked into bed (10:30pm) and the cop from the hospital that gave me all the paperwork (neither of us was charged with anything), called because he had failed to get my driver's license number and could I look at it and give it to him!!!!! This couldn't wait until morning????
I slept about an hour that night; between the pain in the ribs on the left and the right leg, I just couldn't get comfortable.

The next day was filled with calls from the insurance companies and the place that had hauled the car away. Going up and down the stairs was painful so Lynn pretty much took over meal prep and household stuff. I was kind of nauseated anyway but finally got some sleep.

It's Friday now and still haven't heard from State Farm but Lynn says the car is not likely to come back up our driveway again. OK by me. I'm not sure I ever want to drive again. I'm not sure I even want to ride in a car again.

It just occurred to me today that a few nanoseconds difference and this could have been tragic. Another note --- I had been cursing the memory loss (wondering if the head injury caused it). But now I'm not so sure that it's a bad thing. It could be one of those "tender mercies". If I remembered what happened, seeing the oncoming car and the impact, I would have that memory and fear for the rest of my life. As it is, I can just be blessedly ignorant.

The leg still hurts some and I have red marks on my neck and bruising clear across my chest from the seat belt. The left side of my neck is painful to the touch; I must have really wrenched it. Hopefully, better tomorrow.

So that's it. Insurance company is blaming me because I had the stop sign and I can't prove that I stopped and that he was coming like a bat out of ..... around the bend when he hit me. First accident in almost 40 years but what do you want to bet they raise our rates.

Lynn went over to the lot to get stuff out of the car and took some pictures of our car. The other car was there too so he got pix of it too. Both old cars.. ours a 94 Camry and his a 95 Buick. BTW the other driver wasn't hurt much either. His car looks more messed up than ours. His airbag deployed. He told the police he was only going 30 MPH. You be the judge.

Olivianna

Olivianna

Designed by Evelyn Rector

 

 

 

This sock is the brain-child of a grandmother for her two oldest granddaughters, Olivia and Anna, who came to visit for a “knitting camp”.  The design was made with only graph paper, a pen, and a few years of sock knitting experience.  If it resembles the work of another designer, it is only by accident, not intentionally.

It’s a simple slightly lacy sock made for a girl who wears a size 1 shoe.   Changes in yarn and needles could result in a range of sizes.

 

Foot circumference : 7 ½ inches

Leg length: 5 ½ inches    Heel flap: 2 inches

Heel to toe: 6 inches       Toe: 1 5/8 inches

 

Original pattern is done in Bernat Softee Baby with US #2 dpn’s.

It is written for 4 dpn’s but use your favorite method.

You will also need a cable needle (cn) unless you can do a cable without one.

 

Cast on 48 sts and divide over 3 needles. Join without twisting.

 

Cuff

 

Ribbing is as follows

[(p1,k1) X 3  , p1, k3, (p1, k1) X 3] Repeat around.

Repeat this round 7 more times.

 

Leg

 

The Olivianna pattern is 8 row of 16 stitches repeated 3 times around the leg.  Repeat as many times as you like for length of leg ending after a row 2.

Rnd 1: P1, K5, P1, a (see explanation below),P1, K5; repeat around

Rnd 2, 4, 5, 6, and 8: P1, K5, P, K3, P, K5; repeat around

Rnd 3 and 7: P1, K2tog, yo, ktbl, yo, ssk, P1, K3, P, K2tog, yo, ktbl, yo, ssk; repeat around

 

Leg Chart

Heel Flap

 

Set up row – K12, slip other 4 sts to needle 2. Turn; on needle 1, sl 1, p 22, sl other 3 sts onto needle 2. Needle 2 now holds your 25 instep stitches.  The other 23 sts are the heel.

1. (Sl 1, k1) across, turn
2. Sl 1, purl across, turn
3. S1, k1, (k1, sl 1) across, turn
4. Sl 1, purl across, turn

Repeat these 4 rows for depth of heel flap, about 2 inches.

 

Heel Turn

Row 1  Sl1, K 13, ssk, K1, turn

Row 2   Sl1, P 6,  p2tog, p1, turn.

Row 3  Sl1, knit to last st before gap, ssk, K1, turn.

Row 4 Sl1, purl to last st before gap, p2tog, p1, turn.

Repeat rows 3 and 4 until all stitches are used. 15 sts remain.

 

 

 

Gusset

Knit across. With new needle pick up 11 stitches down side of heel flap and one below first st of instep. Knit 3rd row of chart across instep with new needle as directed below and then with new needle pick up a st below last st of instep and then 11 st up the other side of the heel flap.  Knit 7  to center of Needle 1 which is now the beginning of the round. Move remaining 8 sts to next needle and knit to last 3 sts on that needle, k2tog, k1.

Needle 2 – continue to row 4 on instep chart

Needle 3 – K1, ssk, knit across.

Following round knit needles 1 and 3 without decreases, continue in pattern for needle 2.

Stop decreases when there are 12 sts on needle 1 and 11 on needle 2.

Repeat sole stitches and instep stitches until about 1 ½  inches less than desired length ending with a row 2.

 

 

Instep

 

The instep maintains the established pattern but adds 4 stitches on either side.

For rounds 1,2,4,5,6, and 8 the beginning stitches are P1, ktbl, K2 at the beginning of the row and reversed at the end of the row  K2, ktbl, P1.

Row 1 also has the cable done on the center 3 stitches.

Rounds 3 and 7 have half a lace pattern on each side

Beginning 4 stitches are P1, ktbl, yo, ssk

Ending stitches are k2tog, yo, ktbl, P1

Don’t forget ----you are starting with round 3 since we left off at round 2 for the heel flap.

 

Rnd 1: P1, ktbl, K2, P1, K5, P1, a (see explanation on legend of chart below),P1, K5, P1, K2, ktbl, P1; repeat around

Rnd 2, 4, 5, 6, and 8: P1, ktbl, K2, P1, K5, P, K3, P, K5, P1, K2, ktbl, P1; repeat around

Rnd 3 and 7: P1, ktbl, yo, ssk, P1, K2tog, yo, ktbl, yo, ssk, P1, K3, P, K2tog, yo, ktbl, yo, ssk, P1, k2tog, yo, ktbl, P1: repeat around

 

 

 

Instep Chart

 

 

Toe

 

Set up round for toe:  knit needle 1; on needle 2 k1, ssk, knit to last 3 sts, k2tog, k1;  knit needle 3.

Rnd 1 Needle 1 – Knit to last 3 sts, k2tog, k1

           Needle 2 – K1, ssk, knit to last 3 sts, k2tog, k1

            Needle 3 – K1, ssk, knit across

Rnd 2 Knit across all sts

Repeat these 2 rounds until 18 sts remain. With needle 3 knit the 5 needle 1 sts. Graft closed.